Honesty

Tonight was awful. Madi Beth was not quite being an obedient little girl and she was playing and doing her own thing at bedtime, rather than getting ready for bed. Jeremiah and I were preparing the girls room for bed, Madilyn was supposed to be using the bathroom when we heard Eli let out the most horrible scream. I ran to see Madilyn standing on a stool and leaning over holding on to the bathroom door and Eli holding his fingers. Madilyn had closed the door and his fingers were in the part where the hinges are. I picked him up and as he let out blood curdling screams I just started yelling at this sweet little three year old. I mean yelling. I was afraid to even look at Eli's hand, although a few seconds later Jeremiah had looked his fingers over and at least they were all still there. I put Eli to bed and while I rocked Eli I knew I had to ask Madilyn for forgiveness as I completely reacted rather than respond appropriately. Partly out of fear and partly out of anger. So I went to her bed and crawled in with her. Her face was buried in her pillow and she was sobbing. Her first words were, "Mommy, I didn't mean to hurt Eli and that is the truth". I responded by holding her and telling her that Eli was ok, that he was asleep and his fingers would be ok. Then I asked her to please forgive mommy for yelling as I should not have yelled at her. In her three year old voice she looked deep in my eyes and said, I forgive you mommy. I love you. The tears just flowed from eyes and I couldn't stop them. She and I held each other and cried together. Then she looked at me and said, It's ok mommy. My three year old told me it would be ok. I cry now as I type. It has not been a great day. I've faced issues with all three of my kids, but specifically with my two girls some issues that feel completely out of my control. It is so hard as a mom not to be able to "fix" something for them. For Grace, it is fear. I just want her to not be so afraid of not being with me and to be able to enjoy being a kid instead of always worrying about everything. For Madilyn, I want to help her have better self control and not act out of jealously and anger. Of course, I can probably guess where that comes from. Anyways, this is just an honest post. I am upset and cannot even watch American Idol right now and the only thing I knew to do was to pray about this and it always helps me to write about it. God willing, the sun will come up and tomorrow will be a new day.