It’s Not About Me

Can I just be honest? Those are some hard words to swallow! Many of us today are taught and trained that it is all about us. Even as Christians, we may ask God to do His will in our life, often hoping and expecting that it will be what we want, not truly what the Lord wants for our life.

I am soooo guilty! I knew that God called us to pursue this adoption, but I had my own plans about how it would go, what our referral would be and what SHE would look like. I had expectations created in my mind that were my plans, never considering that God might have a different plan. I really thought that if I prayed that God would give me the desires of my heart, never expecting that his desires might differ from mine. And boy did they ever!

Many of you know that it was our girls that God used to encourage us to consider adopting a little boy rather than a girl. And slowly, over time, our hearts began to change without us realizing it. Before we knew it, we were changing our adoption petition to include a boy. Then after reading blogs about special needs kids and watching a foster home in China care for children with special needs our hearts slowly opened up to the possibility of bringing a child home that needed some extra care and medical attention. After praying about it, we switched into the waiting child program for a little boy, with one special little boy in mind. I contacted my agency about this little boy, they jotted his information into my folder and told me it would be unlikely but if they ran across his file they would let me know. Time passed and the 3^rd anniversary of our LID passed without even noticing. A few days later, I realized it had been 3 years since we logged in with China and became overwhelmed with a desire to begin seeking God for some answers. Answers about the future of this adoption, whether this little boy my heart wanted so bad was to be ours and how to really pursue him. October 31^st, Jeremiah and I sat in our bed and prayed together, diligently seeking God and HIS will for this adoption. We asked him to open or close doors where they need to be opened and closed and to let us be at peace with his decision.

It was three days later that God showed me once again that it is not about me!

Our agency called late Tuesday evening telling us they had a referral for us to consider. He was a little boy, 8 ½ months old. Immediately I knew it was NOT the little boy my heart wanted so badly, the one I had prayed for God to bring home to us for the last six months. This door he closed. I anxiously awaited the email with this little boy's information, medical records and pictures. We downloaded all our information and Jeremiah was thrilled. God had answered our prayers, almost immediately. I, however, was greatly disappointed. I dove into a time of tremendous grief as I grieved the loss of someone that was never really mine to begin with. We were faced with decisions I had not really thought about. The little boy I desired had a special need that had been repaired. The little boy referred to us needed surgery. So we began contacting specialists, our pediatrician and our insurance company. Throughout this time, Jeremiah was receiving confirmation almost daily that the Lord had sent this little boy for us. I was too blinded to see anything past what I wanted to see.

A week went by and I just could not accept this referral without knowing that I had tried to get the little boy I so badly wanted. I put one final plea into my agency, asking them if there was any chance I would bring home the little boy I wanted. They told me it would be nearly impossible and the authorities in China did not like agencies pursuing particular children. So the story I wanted God to write for our adoption was now impossible and I had to begin praying about my heart - for healing, for accepting God's will and if I would be willing to love another child.

Of course, I am completely willing to love another child! It has just taken me time to grieve the loss of someone that was not mine to begin with and prayer that the Lord would open my heart to loving this little one he has sent us. I also know that God's plans are bigger and better than our own, so I am thrilled to see His plan unfold and the blessings that will come forth from it! As fear and anxiety creep up in my mind, I am constantly turning those thoughts over to the Lord knowing He is fully in control!

As a child I used to love to sing this song:

I cast all my cares upon you.

I lay all of my burdens, down at your feet

And anytime I don't know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9